Ask the PI Moms

My name is Kevin and I’m 17 years old. I came upon your blog and I thought you might have some good insight on an experience I recently had. I was too embarrassed to tell my mom about it. It involved a girl I had just met at a dance. We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off. She was very pretty, smart and nice. We even exchanged email addresses. I was so excited!

Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She told me I was being “inappropriate” and with a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.

As I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, with my friends nearby laughing at me, I was wondering why she was so offended. She had a classic hourglass figure – busty, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. Btw, I do have her email address. Do you think I should send her an apology note or should I interpret the slap in the face as another way of saying she does not want to see me again?

This post was submitted by Kevin.

1. Coffee–not only do you stink up the vehicle with your stalecoffeebreath but unless you are PI Mom Michelle, you will be running for the local gas station restroom every 5 minutes…

2. Chatty Cathy High Maintenance “Friends”–that insist on calling you while crunched in the back of your vehicle camera at the ready–

You Say: “uh you know I REALLY can’t talk…”

You Think: “Shuuuuuut Uuuuuuuup!”

Chatty Cathy Friend: “.Just ONE last thing–then he stood up and called my mother a Filthy Norman Pig-Dog and my dad a Scurvy Knave–you know how he gets when he is slightly drunk and mid-way through his 14th viewing of the Tudors…”

You Say: “How nice that he is spending quality time with your parents…”

You Think: “Yeah, well, we ALWAYS knew your obsession with the Renaissance Fair would manifest in your marriage when you married the Steak on a Stick guy…”

Chatty Cathy Friend: “Then all he wants to do is pretend he’s Henry the VIII–but NOT in a hot young buff Jonathan Rhys Meyers way–more of a hunchback of Notre Dame–slightly off balance with a St. Bernard constant stream of drool way….”

You Say: “How nice that he’s warmed up to your dog…I know you need to talk but I REALLY have to go now….”

You Think but Would NEVER Dare Say: “Can’t we skip ahead to the beheading????”

3. Any attachment to personal hygiene–Sniff sniff…What is that smell you wonder…carefully while not moving the camera a single centimeter as you wait for your subject– you raise one arm over your head and sniff…Sniff…SNIFF–eeeeyyyooouuuuuuu! That IS the last time you entrust your pits to Not-so-Right- ever-so-stinky generic thought I’d save some money deODORrant not fit for humans in ANY way…

4. Any attachment to personal appearance–Richard Simmons would be proud–you are in the back of your vehicle “sweatin’ to the oldies” without the oldies and without breaking a resting heart rate. Yes friends, it gets hot Hot HOT in the back of that surveillance vehicle with only a window cracked for air. Don’t even think about make-up as your not-so-waterproof mascara and eyeliner runs down your cheeks leaving semi-permanent stripes resembling a 2 year old child-gone-wild with a sharpie on your face…So attractive! So inconspicuous! SO goes with your oh-so-chic Hat Hair….

5. Energy Drinks–see #1 above plus now you have a sugar high and crash and burn to contend with just like your toddler’s first amped up body slam into the wall candy gorging experience with Halloween minus the costume AND the tantrum–

What might be your top thing to avoid while on surveillance?

Around the offices of Butler & Associates, there’s another lesser known PI that is a vital part of our team. She has become one of our greatest assets. She’s a solid girl, dependable, reliable… indeed a treasure. She has never let us down and has been a part of some of our most dangerous and interesting cases ranging from infidelity, corporate espionage, workers comp, and elaborate stings- yet you’d never recognize her in a crowd. Who is this incredible gal? Bessie.
Enter Bessie… my minivan. Blogging about a car? Surely I mustn’t have much material to pull from. But no, she’s remarkable. Lovingly named by my children, she is a true working girl. On her first day of work she was painstakingly ‘PI Prepped’ with tinted windows and all- truly a travelling marvel. Outfitted with 17 beverage holders (a selling point let me tell you), she houses a ‘lazy Susan’ under the back seat mats which is furnished with the usual PI paraphernalia (snacks, duct table, pliers, screw drivers, GPS- you get the drift) and can hold seven investigators covertly, and better yet comfortably.
I never intended to be a minivan driving mom, let alone a PI minivan driving mom, but don’t let her fool you into thinking she’s just like all those other minivans… she’s that undercover superhero that after dropping off kids at school, soars to work ready for action (and she’s fast to boot).
Although my kids prefer her other known talents, the ability to produce a movie of their choice from a DVD player that unfolds out of the ceiling or a remote control that pops out for ultimate radio volume control… I like to think of her as our safety net.
After all, she houses precious cargo every day… the PI Moms.

As I sit here this evening, (the kids are finally asleep), I realize I have a little down time.  The last few weeks have been stressful, exciting, fast paced and just down right “insane”.  And I love every minute of it.  The media frenzy has brought in more cases, which I am totally grateful for. We all are.  Multi-tasking is one of my strengths, I guess I don’t really have a choice with kids, dogs, etc… As a Deputy Sheriff, my shifts were 12 hours, and the commute was a killer.  Its nice having the flexibility as  a Private Investigator, and with all the other PI Moms pitching in to help, it makes it run alot smoother! 

I worked a case last Thursday and Friday, attended two birthday parties, one on Friday evening, another on Saturday, baseball after the party, and a family visit on Sunday..whew..I am exhausted.  I swear, there has been a birthday party every weekend for the last two months, along with baseball twice a week and on Saturdays. 

Its just another day in paradise!!!

New York Day 1

Clearly Paris does NOT stay here. EVER. And unlike Ms. Hilton, we are NOT Princesses. We camp. We rough it. We do NOT however, desire to have a “camping” experience in our hotel room. It started with the room not having the promised 2 queen beds (for the 3 of us) then the furtive glance from the reservationist to the maintenance person along with, “Go spray the room–QUICKLY!”

Ms. Wishing we had Never Walked Through the Door Reservationist Woman: “I’m sorry, we are full so we will have a roll away bed brought to your room….” Char had the bright idea to relax in the bar with a cocktail.  I went to order as the “bar” was closing…I scanned the bar with Denise.  It looked more like a cafeteria and only beer bottles are visible on a high shelf–higher than one can reach…

Moi: “Can you make a lemon drop?”

The man stared at me blankly. I took that for a “no” and we hauled our luggage up to our “room” that had a smell of smoke that hit one smack in the face before the door was even open–no wonder she asked the maintenance person to spray. Worse, there clearly was no room for a roll away bed…I called the manager.

20 minutes later the bed arrived, furniture was removed from the room to make space for the bed and we were handed a bottle of Fabreeze and removed the used Q-tips from the space where the furniture had been on his way out…. eeeeyyyyouuuuuu!

Char: “Who’s taking the first Fabreeze shift???” We took turns obsessively spraying the smoke laden carpet.

Internet Frustrated Moi: “Why can’t I connect to the internet??” I dialed the front desk and the manager answered again.

Mr. I’ve Had it With the Room 203 Manager Man: “I am so sorry but we have no internet in the rooms only in the lobby…” Wow…what next? Bed bugs?? I shut the window and tried to get the heater to stop blowing cold air.

Char: “The heat’s on–I can SMELL it!” and it was true–the smell of burning hair permeated the room overpowering the smell of stale cigarette smoke.

Denise: “What are you doing?”

PI Paranoid Moi: “Moving the chair to prevent it from igniting…”

The phone rang–it was Mr. Manager Trying to be Nice Man.

Mr. Manager Trying to be Nice Man: “I am so sorry that one thing after another has gone horribly wrong for you–the beds, the smoke, the bar, the internet–I would comp the room for you but I cannot as you went through a third party to book it.  What time are you leaving tomorrow?”

Moi Trying Not to be a B*tch PI Mom: “Honestly? We plan to leave as early and as soon as possible…”

Mr. Manager Trying to be Even Nicer Man: “I understand. I would like to give you complimentary breakfast vouchers…”

Too bad we don’t eat breakfast! I kind gesture none the less.

As I sit on an airplane bound to New York with PI Moms, Denise and Michelle, I finally have time to remember what I’ve forgotten to pack.  Why you ask?  Well, a funny thing happened on the way to packing my suitcase last night.  Michelle, being the avid and well seasoned traveler convinced me to shed my old ways and carry-on my luggage.  “Carry on my luggage?  You have got to be kidding!” were the only words reverberating within my over challenged cranium last night, especially since I tend to be the queen of over-packing.  And, to top it off, I’m not just the queen over-packing, I hold a throne status in the land of “Be Prepared for Everything.” 

Now I’d like to say I owe this all to being a PI, but I’ve held this position ever since I became a mom almost nine years ago.  Actually, come to think of it… I’ve always been ‘that’ person.  My mom still reminds me of my 9^th birthday where I actually excused myself from my own party to write thank you notes that could be handed out as my guests exited my house.  Yep, that’s me.  So as you can imagine, last night came as a challenge.  With wine in hand, a suitcase suitable for my daughters doll clothes, I ventured into an unknown world for me.  This unknown world, you know the one… the world of ‘smallplasticnolargerthan3ounceplasticbottlesinanairlineapprovedbaggiecanIbringsmallscissors’ kind of world?  Thank GOD for Denise pointing me in the right direction to the travel aisle at Target or surely I would have lost my mind.  Why was I sweating this?  Darn it, I’m a mom!  I can do this!  I prepare for more intricate adventures during working hours and Bessie (my undercover minivan) is equipped with everything from duct tape to GPS devices.

After two glasses of wine, unloading and loading the small suitcase 17 times, a dozen texts to Michelle and Denise requested the exact amount of liquid products I could stow away in my approved airline baggie, I was proud to say I did it.  I packed as if I were going to be gone for three days, not a year.  I patted myself on the back and toasted to a job well done.  I was excited until I arrived at the airport and was shot a disapproving glance by the security agent as I silently loaded my extra small carry-on bag, next to my extra large purse that resembled a carpet bag on the security belt.  Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that I also packed a garment bag?  Sigh.  Some things will never change…

I was a real bluetooth hater! Up until a couple of weeks ago. It ended up costing  me $450 in tickets and $150 to actually get the one that works for me, not counting a couple of liters of tears and traffic court at 8 in the morning… It’s a sad story that I decided to share to hopefully save some of your nerves and money… This is not so much for guys – they seem to actually use those things. So, we all have an excuse to hate them – my excuse is, I am a small woman – 5′2″ (this is in the morning), 115lbs (this is being 6 months pregnant), and my son’s shoes were too big for me when he was 7.  The only type of headphones I’ve ever been able to use were those DJ-ish Real Big Ones, because the biggest thing that I was ever able to squeeze in my ear was obviously a q-tip. So yeah, not a chance for a bluetooth, ever. I have to say, I always answer my phone. Always, even in the shower, I swear. It all started when I got a phone call from my son’s elementary school saying he probably broke his arm… The whale-like sounds the phone call was accompanied with made me realize he probably did, and minimum in half!!! I ran to school, took him to the hospital, I am crying-he is crying, surgery, they fixed the arm, and my son got banned from the swing for the rest of the school year (I am REEEEALLY keeping it short). You get the idea. So, I do answer my phone. That particular time my husband, who drove down 680 a minute ahead of me, called TO MAKE SURE I AM NOT NOT DOING ANYTHING WRONG because there was a cop on the corner… the corner I was just passing right that second… How sad. I had no idea I can get ticketed for using my speakerphone! Did you know you will really get a ticket for being on speakerphone? So, you, bluetooth haters, moms, who answer the phone while driving for the same reason I do, beware, they are not kidding, there is a cell phone law, and it includes speaker phones. The funniest part is, I still can’t squeeze any bluetooth into my ears, to I ended up bying that super expensive ANT SPEAKER thing that now curses like a shoemaker (no offense, literal translation) throughout my car no matter who is in it, and I still can’t figure out how one speaker is legal while another is not. Drive safe everyone, and go get the legal speaker…  And I’m gonna go get a bucket of ice-cream now, and figure out which traffic school to pick. Any suggestions, please share!

I am very interested in working as you women do. I am interested in finding an agency here in San Diego to work with.
I understand I can work under a licensed agency to receive the adequate training.

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Thank you,

Sincerely,

Debbie Sanderson

This post was submitted by Debbie Sanderson.

Hi. I met you gals at the UFC Gym a couple weeks ago in jiu-jitsu class and you said you were going to be on TV. I don’t remember when, but I’d like to catch the episode! Can you tell me when and what channel? Thanks!

This post was submitted by jasan.

Michelle and I were working an undercover sting this week together.  I was the woman scorned.  I was going out of town for spring break.  Therefore, my husband would be all alone for five days.  We met with a guy who posted an ad on Craigslist for investigative services.  When we met the “PI” he told us his story of how he came to be a PI.  He had been out of work for over a year and friends told him he was good at catching cheaters.

I made contact in advance with the “PI” to set up a time to meet.  He seemed nice enough on the phone, but we can never tell.  Once we met him we knew he really was just a nice guy.  We had mixed emotions about the sting because we do try to catch the “bad guys”.  This case was different because he was not a true “bad guy”.  Sitting in front of us during the sting was a guy just trying to make a living in a tough time.

As moms we are always watching out for our cubs by keeping danger away.  This was not one of those cases.  Luckily, the ending appears to have turned lemons into lemonade.  The funny thing was our subject had actually applied for a job with our firm several weeks ago.  This could have turned out to be the strangest job interview ever for him if he ends up actually becoming a licensed PI.

I am not sure if he will be working with us in the future or not, but it reminded us that not all of our cases involve “bad guys”.  Sometimes it really is just a nice guy in the wrong circumstances.