My name is Kevin and I’m 17 years old. I came upon your blog and I thought you might have some good insight on an experience I recently had. I was too embarrassed to tell my mom about it. It involved a girl I had just met at a dance. We talked for a good half hour and seemed to be hitting it off. She was very pretty, smart and nice. We even exchanged email addresses. I was so excited!
Then, things suddenly went downhill. I commented that she had a “really nice, hourglass figure”. I thought she would take it as a compliment but instead she became deeply offended. She told me I was being “inappropriate” and with a look of complete disgust, WHAP!, she slapped my face and departed.
As I was standing there alone rubbing my cheek, with my friends nearby laughing at me, I was wondering why she was so offended. She had a classic hourglass figure – busty, narrow waist, shapely hips/legs. Btw, I do have her email address. Do you think I should send her an apology note or should I interpret the slap in the face as another way of saying she does not want to see me again?
This post was submitted by Kevin.
00:59 on May 28th, 2010
Hi Kevin. If you are not leaving anything out, it seems to me that she over-reacted. Truthfully, young women can be very sensitive about their appearance–especially weight. I won’t bore you with the whys–but to put it succinctly, imagine if you were bombarded with a constant stream of images and information in the media (magazines, television, internet, film, books) that you are too big, too small, to tall, too short, too blonde etc BUT buy this magazine, film whatever and we will tell you how to fix it, be perfect so guys will like you. In the future, if I might suggest, simply say “I think you are beautiful.” Don’t get specific–that’s venturing into dangerous waters as you discovered. And yes, I would apologize and simply say, “I think you are beautiful, and I apologize if my words offended you in any way–that was not my intention–” in your own words of course. She may not want to see you again but by apologizing you have treated her honorably. Let us know what happens.
07:06 on May 28th, 2010
Hi Kevin, this is Nicolle, Michelle’s 16 year old daughter. Other than what my mom just said, I would have to add that maybe she took that compliment as a tiny bit sexist. Only in the way that commenting solely on someone’s body could indicate that you liked her only for her figure/face. I think that if you really genuinely like a girl, comment on personality or something that has less to do with appearance. Those compliments can come once you have a more established relationship. That being said, she definitely overreacted a bit. Good luck.
11:31 on May 28th, 2010
Thanks Michele. Next time, I’ll definitely stay away from body topics when I first meet a girl and stick to more neutral things like hair, eyes, etc. when it comes to compliments. I’ll send her an apology and see how it goes. If nothing else I learned an important lesson and hopefully the next time I meet a girl it will end on a positive note and not with another red cheek
18:39 on May 28th, 2010
I’m going to pass this along to my 16 year old daughter who has an hourglass figure just like her Mom (I look a bit like Nigella Lawson). I’m proud of my curves, but like many teenage girls she’s not yet comfortable in her own skin. I actually applaud the young woman’s reaction in this story and don’t think she was necessarily over-reacting. It really does appear that he was looking at her in a sexual way and in so doing disrespecting her for who she was as a person. It seems that he got precisely what he deserved — a crisp slap across the face — nice retro touch there
I wish I was that assertive when I was 17. On the other hand, at least he had the decency to write to you in order to better understand why she was so offended. Hopefully he learned his lesson and won’t make the same mistake in the future with other young women.
14:20 on May 30th, 2010
Just wanted to give you an update. I emailed her and she actually accepted my apology! Her reply is below if you have any interest. I like that she injected some humor with the graphic. I never imagined a girl could be so forgiving after being so upset. I’m excited about the coffee date…hopefully things will go more smoothly this time, lol.
–kevin
Hi Kevin and thank you for writing to me. I got your note earlier and I’ve been thinking things over. You seemed like such a sweet guy at first, and so smart and interesting! We were having a wonderful conversation and that’s why I was really disappointed when you started commenting on my body. It felt really weird and uncomfortable, especially since we hardly knew each other. Like many women, I’m also very sensitive about any comments that hint at being overweight. Regarding the abrupt ending to our conversation depicted by the graphic below….hehehe
http://giftguide.toptenreviews.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/12/woman-slapping-man.jpg
Well, I’m an old fashioned girl and I felt it was the most appropriate response for a guy I just met who had the nerve to “size me up”. There is a time and place for those sorts of comments, and it’s not when you first meet a woman. I will say that you took the slap like a gentleman by turning the other cheek and then coming back to make a sincere apology. Most guys would not be that mature and thoughtful.
I think everyone deserves a second chance, so yes, I accept your apology and might even meet you for coffee, like we had talked about, but the terms are that you have to pay and I get to order something really extravagant like a large, caramel macchiato…..just joking
Ericka
08:49 on June 2nd, 2010
Hi Kevin,
It looks like you got some very good advice from the ladies. I am a 47 year old man and have married for 18 years. After reading about your episode with Erica I wnated to give some advice from a man’s point of view. I hope you don’t mind.
You did the right thing by not hitting her back or using profanity in that situation. It is NEVER ok to hit a girl or us profanity at them or around them. You did great. You also apologized to Erica. Fantastic. You are a guy and you are going to say things to women by mistake and things like that are going to happen. Michelle said you can tell her she is beautiful. I would go a step further and not even talk about her looks. Pretty girls are like professional athletes. People talk at them and not to them. Don’t even talk about her looks. I am sure she already knows you think she is attractive.
When you date Erica or if you date other girls in the future try and talk to them and find out what interests they have and what goals they have. Ask them what they are doing to achieve those goals. Try and find out if you match up well with the girl. Always have something planned for a date. Don’t find yourself with a lot of idle time. That leads to trouble. I know it is tough at your age to keep your hands to yourself when you are with a pretty girl. One thing that really helped me was to give girls foot massages. It gave me something to do with my hands instead having them around the girl and the girls liked it also. It keeps that distance you need so you are not tempted to cross that line. It is a bit different, but you might want to try it out. I still give my wife foot massages even to this day. She is spoiled rotten. Good luck with Erica.
Jess Whipple
21:07 on June 4th, 2010
Kevin,
Good for you! You are an example to young men everywhere. You did apologize and from your heart. Even had you not had the outcome you did, you behaved in a way that I admire and like a true gentleman.
Jess also has good advice for you though I will say that women do like to hear that we are beautiful to you. Now at the coffee, ask her questions about what she likes and enjoys and really listen to her. Also, if you feel a real connection with her, let her know that you may on occasion put your foot in your mouth and that you would be so grateful to her if she would point out to you with kindness and compassion if you are offending her. Let her know that if she can do this, you can than learn how to be a better person.
Let us know how it goes!
14:41 on June 5th, 2010
Jess and Michelle, thanks so much for your kind words. My Mom was proud of me as well and said I handled things like a man twice my age. She’s also happy that I’m dating an “old-fashioned” girl….hmmm, I have to think about that….even it meant having her son get slapped? LOL
Kevin
19:12 on June 5th, 2010
I love happy endings!! Congrats to you Kevin. I was a bit too hard on you in my previous comment and it does it indeed appear that you are quite the young gentleman. We all make mistakes but at least you handled the aftermath with grace and dignity, as Jess alluded to (no slapping back, swearing at her, etc.). I’m glad to see chivalry is alive and well.
I loved Ericka’s response too. She seems like such a classy young lady. Don’t feel too badly about walking away from your first encounter with a red cheek and bruised ego. You have a girl interested in you who has intelligence, self-respect, confidence and an hourglass figure to boot!
13:52 on June 8th, 2010
Hi Michelle,
I will have to tell you I was shocked to see an email from Kevin when I came into work today. At first I thought I was seeing things. He comes across as a very mature young man. I think he will do very well down the road. I emailed him back and gave him a few more tips. Hopefully he will stay in touch to let us know how things go with Erica.
I agree with you 100 percent about the fact that women do like to be told they are beautiful by us guys. I was just concerned that Kevin might try too hard to compensate for what happened and it would lead to more problems or more discussion on the topic of physical attraction. I guess I gave him some bad advice there. My bad.
Thanks for posting my response. I have taped the Dr. Phil episode with the PI Moms and I am sure I will have some questions or comments about the show. Take care and be safe out there.
Jess Whipple